I have waited for some time now to share our story of the last 5 months. I knew God would have the victory in our lives, I just didn't know how long it would take. I share this story not to say "Woe is Me" or for anyone to pitty us. I tell our story because my Father God deserves the glory! Without his strength, I know I would be in at totally different place today.
To give some history, for the last couple of years I have been having heart palipatations. I had also been having episodes where I would have numbness and tingling in the left side of my face along with dizziness and some vision loss. I always attributed this to high blood pressure or stress. But after a serious episode that lasted almost an hour, I decided to take a visit to the doctor's office. So, I called my doctor and had an appointment the first part of April. During the visit the doctor did an EKG. He found an abnormality. He also had concerns that I could have a possible aneurism due to the other symptoms I was having. He then referred me to a cardiologist and a neurologist. I was shocked. I remember my comment to him was, "I just came here for you to tell me my blood pressure was off, not this."
I wasn't sure how to handle the news. Admittedly I was a little upset. I could only think of what could possibly happen and how my life could change or end drastically if I had an anuerism.
A couple of weeks later, I began having some weird cravings and aversions to certain foods. I was also very tired all of the time. Jokingly my husband asked if I could be pregnant. I thought, absolutely not. I mean, 12 years and nothing, there is no way I could be. So on April 14th after an unusual reaction at lunch to a mexican dish that I have loved, I thought, maybe just to make sure. So I go by the Rite Aid that was close to my work on the way home. I bought yet another pregnency test. After 12 years of hoping and praying with the same result, I had become a little numb to any thoughts of actually having a positive pregnancy test. So I go home and take the test. Within what seemed to be just a few seconds I had two lines. I looked at the pregnancy test, back at the box, at the pregnancy test, at the box and there it was. Staring me in the face was a positive test. Within a few moments Matt came home from work. As he walked through the door, I walked out of the bathroom in tears holding the test. His first words were, "You're pregnant". Half asking, half telling me what he already knew. We hugged and cried (well, I cried). God's little promise to us after all these years. We proceeded to tell our family and closest friends that day! I was so excited, but decided to wait until after our first doctor appointment to make it public! I couldn't believe it. We called the OBGYN to make our first appointment to confirm everything. We went a few days later on a Monday. It was confirmed. I was indeed pregnant. My due date was December 26th. The OBGYN wanted me to come back in a week to have my first ultrasound. In the mean time she wanted to do blood work to check all of my levels. The next few days were some of the most exciting days of my life. We were planning the nursery, deciding what themes, everything we had waited 12 years to do.
The day after I found out I was pregnant I had my first appointment with the cardiologist. Another EKG confirmed that I had an abnormality and the Cardiologist wanted me to wear a heart monitor for 4 weeks to determine exactly what was going on. He thought I had a condition called Wolf Parkison White which would require a surgical procedure to correct, but it couldn't be done until after the pregnancy. He didn't think it was anything life threatening and that I should be ok during the pregnancy.
The following Wednesday my OBGYN wanted me to come back for more blood work. I received a call on Thursday that the doctor wanted me to come back Friday for another blood pannel. I became concerned. On Saturday, April 24th, I was taken to the emergency room to be told that I had a miscarriage.
My whole world seemed to close in on me. I felt like I couldn't breath. Why was this happening? Why after 12 years of praying and waiting and finally getting to a place of acceptance that I may never give birth to a child would God give me a promise and as quickly as I received it, take the promise away. I cried deeper and harder than I had ever cried before. It was a pain I had never experienced before and wouldn't care to experience again. Even in the ER God was at work. Our best friends, Tara & Jimmy had met us at the ER after I texted her to tell her something was wrong. Uncharacteristly, the ER staff allowed them to be in the room with us for pretty much the whole ordeal. I am so thankful for them. Tara was right by my side for every minute she could be, not trying to make things better, but just confirming with me that the situation sucked! My ER nurse was a very sweet lady. She came in and held my hand and told me how sorry she was. She brought me an angel before we left and told me about a group that she belonged to called the "Butterflys" that were a support group to women who had lost a child. The angel had "Harmony & Peace" on the front with a little butterfly in the angels hands. She told us that we would be in her prayers. We have that angel on the mantel in our living room to always remember our "Little Bean".
That night we were told that I had a fibroid tumor the size of an orange in my uterus, which probably contibuted to the miscarriage. I was numb. I didn't want to speak to anyone or see anyone. I didn't want to get out of bed or take another breath. My precious husband was there by my side holding my hand and loving me through this pain that he was suffering as well. I went to the OBGYN the following Monday for a follow up appointment and had yet another ultrasound. The doctor told me that the fibroid tumor was not the size of an orange, but the size of a grape and had nothing to do with my miscarriage. She assured me that most people have a miscarriage during their first pregnancy and that I did nothing to cause the loss of the baby. Those words offered me little comfort. I still couldn't comprehend how God could do this to me. My OB decided to refer me to a fertility specialist to remove the fibroid tumor, which otherwise my insurance would not have paid for. That was another blessing in the works.
Needless to say, the next several weeks were very hard. But God still worked in my life through this. He allowed me to be able to minister to another friend who had a miscarriage a couple of weeks after mine and connected me with a relative that I hadn't really talked to before this who was having fertility challenges. He placed people in our lives to love us through our pain. God gave us the strength to keep going. I'm not going to say that I don't still have days of sadness when I think about our loss, but I know I still have a promise and a little one in Heaven waiting on us.
A few weeks after the miscarriage I met with the neurologist for the first time. He said that he felt that my symptoms were migraines manifesting in unusual ways, but wanted to do an MRI and an MRA just to make sure.
During the days that I waited for the MRI and MRA appointment to be made I revisited the Cardiologist. After reviewing all the data from the monitor, he was comfortable with diagnosing me with an SVT, which is nothing more than heart palipatations or an abnormal heartbeat that wasn't a big deal. I was so relieved. One down, two to go. After having the MRI and MRA, I followed up with the neurologist expecting to be told that it was indeed mirgraines. What I wasn't expecting was to be told that the results showed that I had Intercranial Hypertension, which is excess fluid on the brain that was resulting in too much pressure. I was floored. I was being sent to have more test to confirm the findings, and was told that I would most probably need to have a lumbar puncture. The doctor advised that I not do any type of strenuous activity and most definitley should put off any plans of pregnancy. Not the words I wanted to hear, yet again!
During the following weeks I had my first visit with the fertility specialist. He talked in depth with us about our options and the test that he would like to run. We scheduled my next ultrasound for July 1st. For the record, waiting is one of the toughest most frustrating things I experienced in all this. But God was teaching me that he is in control, not me and everything unfolds in his time.
July 1st comes around and we go to our next appointment. I had the ultrasound in which the doctor found that the fibroid tumor was indeed the size of a grape and should have no effect on having a healthy pregnancy. He found another minor issue, but it was nothing that would effect a healthy pregnancy either. It was wonderful news! He also told me about a study the office was getting ready to do for women with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). He felt that due to my history I would be a perfect candidate for the study, which would include free fertility treatment (that my insurance didn't cover). So, two down and one more to go!!
Which brings me to today. August 11th, 2010. My neurology appointment. I had been praying for positive results of course! To my delight, I received those positive results. After comparing all the test, the neurologist determined that I did not in fact have intercranial hypertension, but indeed had migraines. I was cleared to live life as normal. He told me that he would pray for Matt & I to be able to have a child and have a healthy and happy pregnancy and baby. God was all over that one! Not many doctors these days freely share that kind of sentiment. To me, it was God's way of confirming that my lessons had been learned. That he was in control and everything happens in his time and is always with me no matter what.
I could not have made it through these past few months on my own. God carried me using my wonderful family, friends and the special people he placed in my life along the way. It has been a hard road, but I know that God is good. He is loving and he is true. God did not cause all these things to happen to me, but he carried me through the pain as they did. I wanted to blame God. But he helped me see in all this that his nature is love and mercy. I stopped asking "Why Me, God?" and began asking, "How can I glorify you through this God?". My prayer is that I have and will continue to.
We have had other things to happen in our family, including my mother and grandmother both falling and breaking bones in the past several weeks, as well as job challenges. But God continues to prove faithful!
I still have some rough spots, grieving my loss at times. But it's a healthy grieving, part of being human. I don't stay there and I don't let it control me. I know I have a hope and a promise for the future. I know that "God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."(Romans 8:28) I also know that according to Isaiah 43:1 He has redeemed me and called me by name. I am his.
And as a side note - We begin the fertility study in a few weeks! Pray for us!! :)
