My Journey Through Infertility

My journey through infertility began almost nine years ago. My husband and I had agreed to wait to have children until we had been married several years so that we could have our time together. Little did I know that 13 years later we would still be waiting.
I had always had irregular cycles, but I figured when the time came, things would work out. Seven years into our marriage I began having some very intense cycles. I went to my OB/GYN to find out what was going on. My doctor diagnosed me with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). She told me that the likelihood of ever getting pregnant was low. Needless to say I was devastated. My heart and my faith would not allow me to accept that answer.
The next year I decided to change OB/GYN's. During the initial background portion of the exam I told my new doctor what I had been told the year before. She informed me that the information I received was inaccurate. She went on to tell me of her own struggle with PCOS and medications available to help women like me. My hope had been restored. We decided to move forward with a round of clomid and see where things went from there.
Those plans were interrupted with an unexpected layoff for my husband. Over the next couple of years the profession we were in was very unstable & we didn't want to have a child knowing that both of us could lose our jobs. Of course I was very disappointed.
It seemed like everyone I knew was pregnant or had just had a baby. While I rejoiced with them my heart would break knowing that I may never experience the joy they felt. To think that I would never get the honor of knowing what morning sickness felt like, to know that I may never see my babies heartbeat on an ultrasound, never feel my baby move in my womb, never get to experience the joy of finding out if I was having a blessed little boy or a precious baby girl....never get to hear my child call me mommy.
Then there were the constant questions. "When are you going to have a baby?" "Do you not want children?" "Do you not like children?" "You know you're not getting any younger don't you?" Those questions were like daggers to my heart. Then there were the "encouraging" comments. "As soon as you stop trying it will happen." "You've just got to have faith". I spent endless nights crying asking God why. I felt like God was punishing me or knew I would be a horrible mother. I felt like I had a huge sign on my forehead that said "Infertile...defective".
Mothers days were just pure hell! Excuse the language, but there is no other word to describe it accurately. It would never fail. All the mothers would be asked to stand and I felt like all eyes were on me when I didn't. Then the mother of the year would be recognized and the pastor would preach about the honor of being a mother. It would be all I could do to hold back the tears.
The bouts of depression were horrible. The emotional roller coaster between faith, hope, fear and disappointment even more so. Nothing can crush a women's spirit like infertility.... if you let it.
2010 was a year of great promise. I had started taking metformin in October, 2009 to get things going again. My doctor increased the dose in March of 2010. It worked!! On April 14th of 2010 I got those beautiful double lines on the home pregnancy test. I was ecstatic to say the least! I confirmed the pregnancy through bloodwork with my OB/GYN and we began announcing it to the world. Surely nothing would go wrong. We had waited so long....but something did go wrong. On April 24th my husband rushed me to the ER. I knew in my head what was happening but hoped in my heart that everything was going to be ok. My heart wasn't so lucky. We had lost our little one. The one I prayed so fervently for. The one I dreamt of so many nights. There was nothing I could do. No amount of begging, pleading or bargaining would change things.
I was so very angry with God. I could not understand why he would let this happen. I tried to hold onto faith that he was in control. One thing was for sure, I was not. The months after that seemed so harsh. Christmas was especially hard. Our little bundle of joy was due on December 24th. I wanted to sleep through it.
After the miscarriage I was sent to a specialist due to a tumor the ER doctor had found in my uterus. Everything turned out to be fine and through that visit, I was told about a fertility study that would take place in the months to come. So in January 2011, we began a 6 month fertility study in the hopes that we would get pregnant. While we learned lots of useful information through the study, it didn't work for us.
Our next step was to have a fertiloscopy and ovarian drilling in November. Due to several situations that arose, we opted not to have the surgery. I kept hearing God say "Just trust me". So, that's what I am doing. I still struggle with those fears and "what if's", but I know that God works everything out in his timing and in his way. I have to believe that he has a greater plan for my life than I can ever imagine. He did answer my question why - its because we live in a fallen world and our bodies are not perfect. He didn't bring the bad things into the world, mankind did. I am ever so thankful that he brought a light into the world to overcome the darkness...that is why I can still remain hopeful and keep going.
So to anyone who is reading this and knows the heartbreak of infertility and miscarriage, there is always hope regardless of the "facts".