Dear Fertile America: A Message from the Fertility Challenged

Dear Fertile America, 

        First of all, let me say that we, the Fertility Challenged love you and are glad you are in our lives. We are glad that you love us and care enough about us to want the best for us. However, I would like to make this disclaimer. Some of the things you are about to read may hurt your feelings or seem a little harsh. Just remember, that when you are sharing your wisdom or well meaning advice, we, the Fertility Challenged feel the same way. So let me go ahead and make the apology up front for any negative emotions you may feel from reading this.

        For many women like me, the road of infertility and miscarriage has been a long tough road. Month after month of disappointment, feelings of inadequacy and heartbreak have been met with some of the most sincere, but inappropriate statements ever uttered. So I'm going to break down 6 key points to remember when addressing the Fertility Challenged about their, well, fertility challenges. 

1. YES, OH MY GOSH YES, WE HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT ADOPTION!!!!! 
For the love of all that is good, please stop asking the Fertility Challenged this question. It does seem to be the most logical step for couples facing infertility, but it's not a cure all. It is also not right for everyone. Adoption is something that you have to be called to, otherwise it could end up badly for everyone involved. It's also an extremely long, difficult and expensive process. So unless you are willing to cough up between $25,000 - $40,000 to help the couple adopt, don't even bring it up.We also know that fostering to adopt through DSS is a cheaper option, but let's face it. Most couples want a baby. It could take forever to get a baby this way due to the waiting list. Also, it's a risk for the Fertility Challenged, due to the fact that foster care is suppose to be a temporary solution for the child and biological family. If the Fertility Challenged were to get a baby placed in their home, there are no guarantees that the child will not be returned to the family and the Fertility Challenged experience loss all over again.

What You Can Do Instead: Mainly, Pray! If we do disclose that we are thinking about or planning to adopt, ask how you can help. Most people who adopt need to raise the funds. Offer to help with a bake sale or some other fund raising opportunity.

2. NO, WE DON'T NEED TO JUST RELAX OR STOP STRESSING AND JUST LET IT HAPPEN!!!!  
If this were true, I would have a house full by now. It's not always that simple. Many women facing infertility have struggled with health conditions that require extra measures to improve the success of pregnancy planning. We have to take temperatures, chart, track, medicate, take shots, etc., etc. to help overcome the obstacles of infertility. So for us, it doesn't "Just Happen". 

What You Can Do Instead: Pray, Pray, Pray. Let us know you are praying for us. 

3. YES, WE KNOW GOD IS IN CONTROL. WE KNOW TO NEVER GIVE UP AND KEEP HOPE & FAITH. 
Seriously, if I hear that one more time, I might just scream in the person's face. Believe me, all we have is our hope and faith. We know God is in control, because if we were in control....well, I wouldn't even be writing this. We know that God has a perfect plan and purpose. We also know every story, verse and mention of barren women in the Bible that God eventually blessed with children. And people, give Hannah a rest. When the Fertility Challenged are already struggling, like every Christian struggles with faith at times, hearing that we need to have more faith and hope is like a slap in the face. It's like you're saying that we are somehow less than in our faith. The Fertility Challenged are some of the strongest, faith filled people I know. 

What You Can Do Instead: Keep praying. Never stop praying for us.

4. PLEASE STOP GIVING US BOOKS, ESPECIALLY RIGHT AFTER A FAILED FERTILITY TREATMENT OR LOSS. 
After we lost our baby, we were given at least 5 books to read about other people's stories of triumph after their own fertility struggles. I have yet to read one.  We know there are success stories after people struggle with fertility. We are hoping to be one of those success stories, but what we need at that point in time is to heal. We need love, support and a shoulder to cry on. Not a book.  If we want to read a book about infertility, loss, etc., we will pick one up at the local book store. I promise!

What You Can Do Instead: Pray, pray pray and pray some more!! It's ok to agree with us that the situation sucks. A friend in the Fertility Challenged camp said that one of the most helping comments to her from someone was, "THAT SUCKS and if I could fix it for you I would.". For the person that experienced a miscarriage, offer to bring a meal. Send a bereavement card. Acknowledge that a child was lost.

5. STOP WITH THE STORIES ABOUT YOUR COUSIN'S, UNCLE'S, BEST FRIEND'S SISTER THAT WAS FERTILITY CHALLENGED AND DID ABC AND GOT PREGNANT.
Just an FYI, we've probably heard of that treatment or natural remedy or surgery, etc. and have either tried it or ruled it out as a possibility for our situation. It doesn't help. Honestly, while we are keeping a kind face, we are thinking inside."SHUT UP! GOOD FOR THEM, BUT IT DOESN'T HELP ME!". Really, it doesn't. Especially if we are having a bad day. All that does is fuel the hurt and questions of why it's not happening for us. You know, in one of those moments when we don't have enough faith.

What You Can Do Instead: Pray, pray, pray! If we are going through a fertility surgery or treatment, pray lots!!!

6. PLEASE DON'T FEEL THE NEED TO SHARE THE STORIES OF PEOPLE YOU KNOW THAT ARE SUBSTANCE USERS THAT ARE PREGNANT WITH THEIR 8TH CHILD WHICH IS GOING INTO DSS CUSTODY AND HOW YOU WISH WE COULD GET THE BABY....UNLESS YOU ARE GOING TO HELP US GET THE BABY. ;-) 
Again, this only hurts us. We already struggle with how other people that really should never be allowed to reproduce are able to pop them out like a Pez Dispenser and we can't even have one. We don't need anymore thoughts bouncing around in our heads! 

What You Can Do Instead: Pray for the person addicted. Pray that they turn to Jesus to heal their pain. Pray for the children whose lives will forever be affected by their parents decision. Pray for them. Pray hard!


        The Fertility Challenged understand that you mean well, but honestly, is it really any of your business anyway? Do you really have to ask, "So, when are you two going to have a baby?" at family functions, weddings, baby showers, etc. Just assume that if a person doesn't have children, it's either because someone can't have children or simply are not ready for children. 

        Being Fertility Challenged is something very personal. You don't want someone asking you about your marital troubles, problem children, weight problems, etc., because it's personal to you. It's the same for the Fertility Challenged. If we want you to know what's going on, we will tell you. 

        So, with the list of don'ts, what else can you do? Just love us. Pray for us.  If we come to you to talk, just listen. Don't rattle off a bunch of advice and scripture to try to make things better. Just listen. If you are pregnant and are planning to make the big announcement at a family function, pull us aside and give us a heads up before you do so that we can either prepare mentally or step out of the room. It's not that we aren't happy for you! I promise, we are. Depending on where we are in our journey, we may be having one of those times where we are fragile emotionally and might not be able to handle the excitement.

        Thank you for reading this. Thank you for continuing to read even if your feelings were hurt or if you've disagreed. I've contemplated publishing this blog for a long time and didn't at first because I was concerned about hurting feelings. After talking to others that are Fertility Challenged, I felt that I owed it to each of them to publish this, because we are being hurt with these things all the time. 

This is me, just being transparent.